Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Scenes From A Touring Theatre Company

Scenes From A Touring Theatre Company

Actor searching through mountains of cables, swords and abandoned rubbish:

"This is ridiculous" Pause. "In this play I've got more fucking props than I have lines".

[with undisguised joy]
"This screwdriver set only cost fifty pounds - that means I've still got two hundred and fifty pounds to spend on the rest of my tool kit!"


"Nottingham's the gun capital of England"

"What? Even worse than Manchester?"

"Yes" Pause. "I was walking down the street one evening and I overheard these two guys - "[puts on a noticeably less posh accent] " 'I thought you were bringing the gun'. 'No - you were supposed to bring it!' "

"What did you do?"

"I kept on walking!"


"Ok, who stole my gaffer tape?"


"You wait, one day we'll be able to hire someone just to sit in the office and take the blame for everything".

"Yes, we'll hire them and they'll say 'what do I do?' and I'll say 'Just sit there and wait. It will come' ".


"When I first met you I thought you were gay".

"No, I'm posh. It's a fine line".

"I'm still pissed off about that armour. I spent an entire day filing it and then they don't bloody use it".

"Which armour was that?"

"The one with the huge feet that [-] came in wearing and shouting '[C]'s a cunt, I told him not to order this' "


"This is how it works - I ring up and ask how the bailiffs were today".

"Just the one - quite friendly".


"I waited until he was about to go on stage and then told him that I'd got the cast to piss in the bucket he had to stick his head in".

[as several members of the cast compete in a sing off]

"This is why you should never come to a pub with actors".


[putting arm around me]

"So, Corinne, how big was it exactly?"


"So you know when you said that [C] and Director had been to get hay?"


"Have you seen the van?"


[opens the door to reveal the chaos within]

"We won't be letting them do that again, then".


"What is a poster board for The Passion doing here?"

"We seem to be stealing the opposition's marketing"

"Why are we doing that?"

"Because this is a marketing campaign run by boys".


"C'mon Corinne, you've got a degree from Oxford you must be able to help us".

[looking at the broken leg plate] "Yes, because my degree from Oxford was in fusing metal with my eyes".

"That's handy isn't it?"


"When all the students come back they're going to be cursing; all those fucking actors got there first and bought all the four pound bottles of wine".


"Did you go to the Bridge last night?"


"Then why've you got the stamp on your hand? Do you not wash?"

"It's not - "

"You don't wash do you?"


"I fell asleep in the French tent yesterday during the first act".

"Yes, we knew. We could hear the snoring".


"I don't know why you're all laughing, in Leeds [-] did put talc down his pants".

"It's a good deodorant!"


"Does anyone know where I'm going to get a sausage?"


"I'm not normally one to do this - but you know it's time - I'm going to make a speech!"

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