Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Where I Get To Marry Hugh Grant

Where I Get To Marry Hugh Grant.

"I know a game we could play"

I look up from my mountain of programmes.

"Go on".

"Marry, Shag, Push off a cliff".

I can't help but let a little squeal come out.

"You know the game - I put that in the first scene of my play* and everyone who read it here didn't have a clue what was going on!"

"Of course I know - it's brilliant!"

I beam. M continues.

"You first - boys or girls? Or a mixture?"


"Ok - Jude Law"

"Mmm, Pretty Jude Law to give him his correct name".

"Javier Marzan"

I giggle. Javier was an actor in Hound of the Baskervilles and a certified comedy genius.


"And - erm, Matt Damon".

There's an air of expectation now as M looks at me. History Boy looks up from his pile of programmes and stickers.

"Ok - easy bit. Matt Damon off of the cliff. For no other reason than that I have no strong feelings about him whatsoever".

"Good choice".

"I do love Pretty Jude Law - but he's not exactly the marrying type is he?"

I heart Sienna Boho-Princess after all. I've read everything there is to be read.

"That's true".

"But as nice as Javier was - marry Pretty Jude Law".

It's triumphant.

"Well done, I agree".

I've just married Pretty Jude Law, therefore I can smirk.

M turns to History Boy.

"Now it's your turn".

History Boy stops laughing.

"Kate Winslet".

I can't stop myself.

"Oooh, I'd marry her!"

"So would I!" M chips in.

"Well, you've ruined it - I can't choose her now!"

"Yes you can. Kate Winslet. Cate Blanchett".

Again it falls out. "I might marry her as well". It is true. She's friends with Paddy Marber after all.

"And - Salma Hayek".

I look across to History Boy, attempting to work out his level of mortification.

He's stalling. "My options are?"

"Marry, shag, push off a cliff. Though the pushing off a cliff might not actually kill them. If it was a small cliff".

"I'd make sure it's a big cliff".

Even though I'm a professional woman, I snort.

"Guess it would have to be - push Cate Blanchett off of the cliff, marry Kate Winslet".

I'd have pushed Salma off but he gets points for chosing Kate Winslet. I love Kate Winslet. She has beautiful dresses.

Because History Boy and I are rubbish at thinking of people and M is pulling the Master of the Game Universe card it goes a few more rounds with History Boy and I progressively getting more and more disturbed (the round where I realise that I have to see Tony Blair naked being my lowpoint, probably matched only by the implications of History Boy chosing to marry Judi Dench because 'she looks like she'd cook you dinner'. He does, though, redeem himself by knowing which college Hugh Grant went to at Oxford).

We continue for a while until History Boy interupts.

"You know what would make this game even more interesting?"

M and I look at him.

"If we played with people we all know. People who work here".

M claps. I am torn between the utter hilarity and the possible world ending nightmare of such a game.

"That's Sunday night sorted then" M announces with glee.

I see Sunday night sprawl out in front of me, making the whole taxi incident of last time seem like a walk in the park.

"Well done" I aim it at History Boy.

He has, at least, the grace to look vaguely sheepish.

"You know what we should do now? Your favourite swearword".

And before I know it my mouth has run away with me:

"I don't think you can beat a well placed fuck".

M and History Boy laugh.

"I think I'll go back to my office now".

*The Four Right Chords, baby.

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