Saturday, June 17, 2006

To Blog Or Not To Blog - That Is The Question

To Blog Or Not To Blog - That Is The Question

I guess I've been a bit quiet on here recently, not just because of the rushing off round the country (or out of the country) though that has played its part, and not just because of work (though again, the building fear of 7 weeks without work has meant I've been working my flip flops off at every opportunity) but even when I do have time I haven't blogged. And it's not like I haven't made the attempt. No, there are three half started blogs on my computer and a number of others I began and then deleted. So why has DA had tumbleweed blowing through it? The honest answer? I'm not sure.

There have been points during the last 18 months of blogging when I've been knocked off course by an event, by a perception, by that always slightly freaky realisation that 'heck people are reading this'. And you know what? I can't make any such connection this time. There isn't one. There hasn't been some big event, or half realised comment. Everything is as it was. And you - yes I mean you - my loyal readers, I know you're still here, you're still checking and I know I should write for you. But I haven't.

So let's get some general honesty out there. I'm feeling a little unsettled at the moment. Nothing huge, just something borne about by the realisation that I left Oxford a year ago next week. And there has to be some kind of glossing over of what I've achieved in the inbetween time and where I want to go next. I can't help it, that over-achieving voice in my head won't let me stand still. And as fun as the last year has been (and I've done some brilliant stuff) I know I don't want to be in the same position this time next year. I sense that this summer contains within it some big decisions. And big decisions always creep in on you when you least want them to.

And in some ways I've almost made some of them. I've started making proper movements about getting work in theatre. I've questioned whether I'd want to spend the next few years in London, or St Albans, or - deep breath please - Hull. And I've not answered those questions properly but I have sent (or am going to send) off applications. In some ways I want to see how things work out in Leeds - there's the bubbling stuff at the WYP which includes a workshop there next week, a new theatre group that's in its infancy that might prove lots of fun, the fact that when it comes down to it I've developed something of a new affection for the city. But is this enough to keep me here in the face of everything else? I'm not sure.

There is another rather large reason for the creeping sense of disquiet. Those things I couldn't blog about last year, well a year on they continue to have their ripples. And the huge moments that threaten to submerge you in the sheer unreality of it. Sometimes I understand Obi 3. More often than not I don't. And the relentless push of living with someone who isn't well, whose mood can change from minute to minute, who can make you switch from being deeply, overwhelmingly sorry for him to wanting to stand and punch him within the blink of an eye. It takes its toll. The constant crunching on eggshells - it's not good for your soul. Then there are those fleeting moments when I see his life and wonder for his future, a future that I can't even begin to reconcile with my own and it upsets me deeply. Much more than anything I've ever faced. When I had my last college interview with the Principal at St Anne's he was full of praise for my resilience - but he noted, I thought rather honestly at the time, that there were differences between physical and mental illness and the latter could be much harder than the former to overcome. I certainly know which scares me more.

So I guess what this is all about is, well, bear (grrr) with me. I've not fallen out of love with DA any more than I have with anything else. Beginnings. Endings. And muddling along in the middle. I suspect it'll all be here. Just if I'm a bit superficial [oh yep, more on the adventures of my David Tennant doll] or a bit quieter than usual on here in the coming weeks you know why. Alternatively this might have cleared the air and I'll be back next week as normal. You'll just have to wait and see...


Jen said...

Saving you a hug for the next time I see you {{{}}}
These entries are so well worth waiting for, I'll be here when you are ready :-)

Nik said...

click on bare, grrr. still makes me laugh.
sending you lots of hugs but tis all rather pointless to send since i shall see you in a few hours anyway and then i can give you hugs, a green pen and sprinkle your bag with the 21 and happy birthday thingys that are currently all over cat's floor...

Shona said...

Hug for Wednesday!
I look forward to DA as and when you have time and 'energy'... you often make me cry or laugh, both of which are very healthy so thanks for the emotional workouts and lots of love to you.