Tuesday, June 27, 2006

First Stop: Regency England

First Stop: Regency England

Dear Russell T Davies,

Before I get to my real reason for writing to you, I have to tell you that I rather love you. Not - I would hasten to add - in the manner I love, say, Alan Rickman when he speaks or Pretty Jude Law when he looks at the camera in Alfie or Hugh Grant when he dances around Number Ten Downing Street. But I love you because you write the kind of tv that makes me excited. And if you're a fan of DA at all you'll know that I don't get excited that much by tv (obviously this excludes Neighbours, about which I get excited on a regular basis, usually when it has something to do with the House of Trouser). Theatre, oh yes. Tv, not so much. But you write sparky, interesting, intelligent television. You clearly love the medium. And I feel that love and it makes me excited. Plus if you didn't happen to know - Bob and Rose is one of my all time favourite tv series. All time. And not just because of the lovely Alan Davies.

So I hope you're feeling my love in the Russell T Davies room. I want you to bear (grrr) that in mind when you read the rest of my letter because I think it's relevant. It's a pointer that we'd get on. You're Welsh after all. I like Welsh boys.

To get to the point, I can't help but notice there's going to be an opening in your current tv show pretty soon. Well, not so much opening as gaping hole. Because the Doctor without a companion is like Ant without Dec, fish without chips, Sienna without Boho-Princess. It just doesn't work. And with Rose seemingly headed for the great Dr Who playground in the sky (I probably have another letter about that to write you, but we'll put it to one side for now) you'll be needing someone new. Which is where I like to think that I might come in.

Obviously this is not a decision I've taken lightly. Travelling through space and time is a difficult job fraught with many dangers. I just need to look at the makeup you subjected the lovely Billie Piper to to realise that. There's the possibility I might be attacked by monsters, get sucked into a black hole or end up wearing some hideous denim shorts, black tights combo. And then there's having to share TARDIS space with the Doctor. He's a bit of a know-it-all isn't he? And those Converses of his, do they smell? Plus he looks a lot like David Tennant, and that's bound to be a distraction. Selflessly, however, I'm willing to put up with these things. I'll even bring something to spray the besmirched Converses with.

You might be wondering why I feel I would be suited to the role. Firstly, I know enough about the Dr Who Universe that you won't have to spend endless hours filling me in about Gallifrey and Cybermen and Torchwood. But I don't know enough to challenge either your or David Tennant's role as resident fanboys. And I can do that wide-eyed interested look as the Doctor fills me in with aplomb. Secondly, I know you like your assistants feisty. Feisty I have no problem with. I can also do: giggly, indignant, adamant, righteous and slightly loopy. And, boy, can I wield an axe. Some might say grind rather than wield, but I think we can agree there's very little difference between the two. Thirdly, I'm 23 so you'll be keeping the 900 year age gap going strong. And should you require it - with a bit of hair dye to disguise the grey hairs - I can do younger. Just ask the Bouncers in the Slug and Lettuce who id'd me last year. They could probably attest to the fiesty bit too. Fourthly, I'm an Aquarian. Aquarians love time travel. So you needn't worry I'd get bored and bugger off after series two. Oh no. I have patience, I can do long term. Plus I like Cardiff, so you needn't worry about that either. Fifthly, whilst my appointment would mean you can't come up with such corking lines as "I'm a Chav" (because, quite clearly, I'm not) there's a lot of scope there for you to go in a different direction. And I've heard that the Doctor's going to meet Shakespeare next year. You really want me there for that one. I've read Troilus and Cressida after all. Finally, and possibly most importantly, I promise to hold the Doctor's hand whenever necessary. I'm nice like that.

As I think we can agree I'm the only sensible solution to the soon-to-be-vacancy. So feel free to send the TARDIS along to pick me up at any point. Or at least any point that is after Wimbledon because, hey, a girl has to have priorities.




Nik said...

Me and Rachel spell besmurched with a u' but I would like to congratulate you on using it in relation to converses; the only way it should be used - others please note. Bare, grrr.

Val said...

Brilliant! Though when I said you could apply, I wasn't expecting this!! I wonder if there could be a role for me in Torchwood?