Monday, March 06, 2006

If I play rugby does that mean I've got to wear a gumshield?

If I play rugby does that mean I've got to wear a gumshield?

As is undoubtedly obvious I'm a tad partial to the celebrity circus. I may know my way around a piece of Old English poetry but I also know my way around Heat magazine. I like to think of it as being multi-faceted. Others might disagree, but I don't listen to them. Which is probably the long winded way of getting to the subject of Victoria Beckham. Now I think I know as much about Vicky as the next person (providing that the next person also reads Heat, knows who the 3am girls are and bought the first Spice Girls album). And I have to confess that she's never really bothered me. In her Spice Girl days I rather liked her. I wouldn't say that my feelings stretch towards 'like' now (the clutch of solo singles would have been enough to stamp out even the biggest fan I'd have thought), but at the very least I'm ambivalent. She's harmless (as long as you don't get me started about her not reading thing).

But if there is one way for Vicky to plonk herself firmly on my radar it is to allow herself to be interviewed in such a manner that the writers can come up with 'VB's 10 Fashion Commandments'. Because - and let's not beat around any bushes here - Vicky is on the outer edges of the fashion solar system. If Kate Moss and Sienna Boho Princess are little astroids closely orbiting the sun then Vicky is Pluto. And that's before we even take into account the - in my opinion - more pressing notion of the Style universe. In that one she's not even in the same galaxy. Vicky has no real style - no real look that makes you think immediately 'ah-ha' - more often than not she looks as if she's walked headfirst into a designer shop and come out with everything that landed on her, coat hangers and all. She is the ultimate example of why money cannot buy you style. If anything the more money she has the more nondescript she's become. It's one thing to go with a look, it's another to wear the catwalk design from head to toe. You know those pictures of her on the ski slopes head to toe in Chanel? They actually made me want to vomit. It screamed money, over styling and LABEL LABEL LABEL. And we are not in the 80's any more. As a general rule of thumb if Vicky's wearing some trend it means that it's time to jump ship.

In the interests of fairness, however, we should take a look at what Vicky has got to say:

1. Visualise your overall look.
This one's about not just looking at a huge pile of clothes but working out what you want to look like. Right. I'm sure most people do this anyway - in the way that you wouldn't go clubbing in a suit or to an interview in hot pants (erm, depending on what type of interview it was). When you start thinking about what clothes go together, and what -in your head at least - it should look like - you're visualising.
Overall View: True but stating the blinking obvious like it's a piece of new information.

2. Shop The World.
Ok, hang on here Vicky. You might be able to shop the world. I might like to be able to shop the world. But the truth is that the vast majority of us are somewhat constrained to regional boundaries and what we can find in Primark. We might get one chance a year to pick up something nifty from abroad, but that's most likely to be a spot of heatstroke.
Overall View: Back in the real world...

3. Borrow from Another Era.
Now I like this. Until that is Vicky says "I favour 50's styles". Now stop me and hit me over the head with a Roland Mouret dress if the '50s isn't the current fashion staple. Which would be ok if Vicky had been wearing it last year. But no, Vicky was wearing huge peasant skirts, skirts that were about as far away from restricted waistlines as you can get.
Overall View: The words 'jumping' 'on' and 'bandwagon' spring to mind.

4. Invest in timeless classics.
Like those peasant skirts and the cowboy chaps, eh Vicky?
Overall View: Please...

5. Find a Fashion Fail-Safe
Ok, I'll give Vicky this one. But again it's hardly radical.
Overall View: Well done Vicky.

6. Accessories are Necessities
About ten years ago I had a pencil case that said 'A girl can never have too many hats, bags and shoes'. It's been my - and I suspect many other girls - motto ever since. On Vicky's side though, she does know how to chose a pair of sunglasses.
Overall View: Yes, yes, yes but tell me something new.

7. Dress from the inside out.
Seems like Vicky and I have something in common - we are both girls who wear underwear that doesn't match. I've learnt this doesn't often matter, unless you've gone to York Theatre Royal's Wardrobe department and you've got Val as your dresser.
Overall View: Trinny and Susannah put this better.

8. Be brave and customise.
I'm sorry or did I miss those pictures of Vicky in homemade skirts and shirts with their sleeves cut off? Can you really imagine Vicky sitting down with a needle and thread and some sequins? No, thought not.
Overall View: Yes, and when Dante went down to hell he noted the ample opportunities for ice skating.

9. Trust a few faithful opinions.
Like the D&G catalogue?
Overall View: If only Vicky did.

10. Breasts/Legs never both.
When we were rushing off to all those Griffin nightclub gigs we had a rule 'low or tight' but that never stopped it being both. But I'd agree that we need some decorum - and next time Vicky's wearing two little pieces of material she might remember that herself.
Overall View: Please come and say that to the taxi queue outside Leeds station on a Saturday night.

So I think I have proven - with almost scientific technique - that the idea of Vicky having fashion commandments is something that you have to laugh about or you'd cry. Because if Vicky's a Fashion Icon then I'm a rugby player.


Nik said...

I want to play rugby. You can be the fashion diva and I'll be the rugby player. Though at the moment, I am working my way up to ice hockey so maybe I'll work on rugby after that...

Nik said...

Oh and I have a gumshield from when I used to do karate when I was younger.

Adventure2 said...

I saw this and thought of you.....,,2-2068836,00.html

Corinne said...

A2 - thank you! Finally an education policy I agree with!