Saturday, October 08, 2005

'This Is My Angry Face'

'This Is My Angry Face'

This week I did something I very rarely do. I got angry. And the reason that I don't get angry much? I find it a bit of a waste of time when there are usually much better ways of my thinking myself out or round of a situation. And my being angry shouldn't be confused with my being grumpy. That happens more often, usually when I've stubbed my toe for the fourth time this week on my new magazine holder which is still sitting at the bottom of my bed. But angry. Noooo. I'm going to need more than a broken toe for that.

But on Wednesday I got angry. If I'm honest it had been bubbling away for a little while, an incessant drip that I always knew I wouldn't be able to overcome. And, consequently, I did something that maybe my rational head would have told me not to do. Because in the great scheme of things, does the person concerned matter? Certainly not to me. But it's also something that I feel a little proud of doing. Because I'm the one who was lambasting those people on the bus with Lobotomy Guy for standing back. I'm the person who believes that, if you feel passionately about something, you should be brave enough to stand up and say it, rather than sit on your bum with your finger up your, erm, nose. I believed in what I was saying and I suspected that no one else was going to say it first.

As it was some people agreed with me, some didn't. Some tried to placate, as I always knew they would. Because I'm imperfectly human I felt flashes of anger at the people who seemed to trot out out bland responses. I'm not naive enough to think that I was any less biased about the situation than they were. But I'm not blind to everything else.

Maybe what evoked the stream of anger was that issues of trust and belief were raised. Which is like a red Boro football flag to a fake bull. As a general rule I trust everyone. I have some half-idealistic notion that everyone might be as exacting with their standards as I tend to be on myself. I can accept people wobble on this, God I wobble myself and I know that as a result of this I forgive people far too easily. I hate to abandon that belief. It's one reason that I love Kate in SSoB, she does what I could never do. She refuses to forgive Harry. Had that one played out in real life, I'm not sure that I could have slammed that door.

But there comes a time when even I have to concede that there is no longer any point believing. And then it's final. Never to be returned. And I know that my trust on the issue on Wednesday has long since evaporated. And I'd have been a hypocrite if I'd pretended otherwise.

I am left wondering, though, what use impotent anger is. I think everyone is on the same side of the argument they were before the start of this week. Nothing has changed, least of all the situation concerned. Which is probably an even bigger lesson than the one I learnt in Primark.

I'd still do it all again.

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